Some days like today are just long, where every minute stretches into an hour. I am burdened with the guilt and shame of not having close relationships, and of not fulfilling my dreams I had once set out to do–I do not know if it is because of the way that I am, or because of the depression…but as long as I have this disease I will never know for sure.
My hopes and dreams have vanished, and yet there’s still a part of me that keeps fighting on. I don’t know why, maybe it is all the nutrition and exercising and taking care of myself that keeps me pushing. My heart weeps that no amount of goodness I do for myself has any affect on my horrible mood; I want to believe in every treatment I try…and I have tried many, everything from acupuncture to homeopathy, not to mention dozens of medicines and nutritional supplements.
Maybe I should feel this way, maybe it’s nature’s course I don’t know. I know that I feel doubly bad for anyone else hit with this disease who has not been as lucky as I in other ways. I fortunately have a job that lets me slide in how late I come in and how long I work. I have a good mind, and no other health problems. But due to the double whammy of social-difficulty and depression I have zero self esteem and fully expect to have a shortened lifespan. Loneliness and grief are real, despite not being medically quantifiable.
For now as much as I can I am going to try to give up control. I also want to try TMS as well. We’ll see.