I’m a 44 year old black female who has had depression her entire life. I was diagnosed with depression in my mid 20s and have been treated for it since then. I was put on just one antidepressant initially and over the years of juggling and testing, I now am on 2 mood stabilizers and 2 antidepressnts. None of which seem to work at this time. I get my most depressed in the winter (SAD) and get relief around March/April. The seasonal depressive episode I had in late 2008 has never lifted for any length of time.
In late 2009 I opted for ECT. I was so desperate for a cure, I’d do anything. After 10 trials of unilateral ECT I saw no improvement. After another 10 trials of bilateral ECT there was still no relief. So doctors (who I know are doing the best they can) have been testing me on many combinations of things.
Lack of energy and no motivation-it’s a chore to brush teeth, shower, etc; hypersomnolence; weight gain; low, low, low self-esteem; feelings of worthlessness, excessive guilt; poor, poor concentration are my primary symptoms. I am not suicidal, although sometimes I just wish I could sleep and never wake up again. I’ve never tried to kill myself. I have had suicidal ideation in the past, however.
Neenah, hi. These stories are not dated, so I don’t know if your depression is still severe. I just wanted to say that I have felt many of the same things you mentioned, and hope it might make you feel a little better to know you’re not alone. When I read your last paragraph, I could just feel the weight of the depression you describe. Also, I wanted to say that the title of your story “Neenah Keeps Trying” was instantly an encouragement to me. Just to know that someone else has these difficulties and still keeps going makes me feel hopeful that I can continue to do the same – not give up. If you feel like messaging back, I would be glad to know how you are doing. If you don’t feel like messaging back, just know you are in my thoughts. (written to you on 9/1/11)