Depression Story By: User Name*Carol

Hi,my name is carol I’m 28 years old and a long relationship with depression,anxiety,panic attacks and insomnia.
I am so desperate to feel normal,happy,healthy,content and not have to keep numb my feelings with drugs forever.
My dad died when I was 13years old,and he was my everything,my mom was never a mom,couldn’t care any less.My dad and I would do everything together,and he loved me so much,we had such a strong connection.the day he passed away I was supposed to be with him but I was 10 minutes late and he had already left.
There is a lot more to this story,but I will try to keep it short.My mom went to the hospital and called me saying that my dad was getting the discharged papers and coming home….about 2 hours later I found out that he had been dead since the car accident….she gave me a false happiness and took it from me in a minute…it was like I could no longer breathe,I was screaming,couldn’t stand up,sit or lay down.That was the beginning of my hell.
My dad owned famacies in Brazil,so everytime I cried,my mom would medicated me so she wouldn’t have to deal with my emotions.Its been almost 16 years since my hero was taking from me,and not one day goes by that I don’t think of him,his face,his voice….he was funny too! I have cut myself to release the emotional pain,I have serious panic attacks and anxiety since then. I have tried Zoloft, Prozac, lexapro, Xanax, buspar, celexa, clonazepam, depakote, trazadon, lamictal, Seraquel, Effexor. I am very sensitive to any meds,I always get the side effects…
I don’t drink,never did any street drugs,no overdose.
I am beyond sad,my anxiety won’t allow me to sleep,and if I do, I woke up more tired than when I went to bed. i feel bad about myself, my ex husband used to physically abused me, I grew up alone, my mom never talked with me about sex, drugs, relationships or the way I felt about my dad. i don’t feel loved, I miss my dad way too much….I also have restless leg syndrome. I’m begging for help, I’m done waking up sad.
I recently broke up with a boyfriend and I blame all on me because he is such an amazing person, who never hurt me. Im also struggling big time with money…. last night I cried till 3am panicking…. I’m afraid to be alone, afraid my grandparents will die…. I could go on forever with my problems. And my mom stole 30,000 from my savings account the money I worked so hard to save so I could finished my education.

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3 Responses to “User Name*Carol’s Story”

  1. Adriana on May 6th, 2013 11:26 am

    I am so sorry to hear your story. Next month I am having TMS treatment for my depression. I have suffered from dysthimia with re current major depression for years. Almost 30 years. I have felt suicidal to the end of time, more lonely than lonely as this illness is brutal, merciless, unkind and takes away your life. You have no idea how it has impacted my lif. I only get very partial relief from anti depressants. I am totally estranged from my mother who was never able to give me any emotional support or kind words. She just criticised, criticised and did everything to make me worse. I describe depression as a light that is switched off inside you and you live in a grey or even in a black darkness, when in major depression I cannot make decisions, I have insomnia and anxiety. I am going to have TMS treatment next month so I will let you know how it goes. If that fails, as a last resort I will take lithium

  2. Luxi on January 25th, 2016 1:58 pm

    Hello to *Carol*;
    I’m Lux, or that’s the name I use on public forums for privacy’s sake. I can relate SO MUCH to this story, except it was my mother who I loved so much and I have lost her to ECT treatments. She also has depression which she passed down to me and I am dealing with it best I can. I don’t really wanna go into my personal feelings of depression, just because I avoid describing them as for me personally it makes me feel worse. I distract myself. My father is an alcoholic and done damage to both me and my sister. He’s about to die, he keeps falling, he is emaciated and sleeps all day or watches football.
    I am looking to get away from the situation I am in, as I can’t rely on anyone. I live with someone abusive and moving home with my parents is not an option. I am isolated from all friends. I believe if people with similar problems work together in the struggle, it can help immensely. We can pool resources and create our own family, and not feel obligated to ‘act happy’ when we are really down. But we can look together for a way out. Alternatives. I think isolation is really enabling of the disease, I’m an introvert but since my boyfriend doesn’t like me around people and I naturally like my alone time, I’ve nobody. I feel alone in the word. I’m looking for others like me to join together. Strength and leadership. I always yearn for my mother to come back, but she has turned dark and her heart is wilted. It breaks my heart and your story sounds so similar I feel for you and to some degree I know your pain, even if the facts of our lives aren’t aligned perfectly. I live in CA as well. I have an aunt in Mountain View, although I can’t ask to live with her for reasons I won’t go into. But she could be a great support in helping me find a place if I could find a roommate.
    If you are interested email me, even if it is just to talk. I think one thing we depressed folk really fear is ‘obligation’ of social interaction, and it keeps us from socializing at all. So just know I really respect the feelings of others as I know them and live them everyday myself.

  3. Alex on September 25th, 2021 1:08 pm

    Hey, I am so sorry to hear about it. I am battling depression and panic attacks. My father died when I was six and I had a hard time after that. My stepdad and I never had a great relationship. I have been really sad but I have a hope I will get back up at last. Even if it takes months but I will surely be better. If you wanna talk more about it you can surely email me. We might be able to help each other out.

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