Depression Story By: User Name*Carol

Hi,my name is carol I’m 28 years old and a long relationship with depression,anxiety,panic attacks and insomnia.
I am so desperate to feel normal,happy,healthy,content and not have to keep numb my feelings with drugs forever.
My dad died when I was 13years old,and he was my everything,my mom was never a mom,couldn’t care any less.My dad and I would do everything together,and he loved me so much,we had such a strong connection.the day he passed away I was supposed to be with him but I was 10 minutes late and he had already left.
There is a lot more to this story,but I will try to keep it short.My mom went to the hospital and called me saying that my dad was getting the discharged papers and coming home….about 2 hours later I found out that he had been dead since the car accident….she gave me a false happiness and took it from me in a minute…it was like I could no longer breathe,I was screaming,couldn’t stand up,sit or lay down.That was the beginning of my hell.
My dad owned famacies in Brazil,so everytime I cried,my mom would medicated me so she wouldn’t have to deal with my emotions.Its been almost 16 years since my hero was taking from me,and not one day goes by that I don’t think of him,his face,his voice….he was funny too! I have cut myself to release the emotional pain,I have serious panic attacks and anxiety since then. I have tried Zoloft, Prozac, lexapro, Xanax, buspar, celexa, clonazepam, depakote, trazadon, lamictal, Seraquel, Effexor. I am very sensitive to any meds,I always get the side effects…
I don’t drink,never did any street drugs,no overdose.
I am beyond sad,my anxiety won’t allow me to sleep,and if I do, I woke up more tired than when I went to bed. i feel bad about myself, my ex husband used to physically abused me, I grew up alone, my mom never talked with me about sex, drugs, relationships or the way I felt about my dad. i don’t feel loved, I miss my dad way too much….I also have restless leg syndrome. I’m begging for help, I’m done waking up sad.
I recently broke up with a boyfriend and I blame all on me because he is such an amazing person, who never hurt me. Im also struggling big time with money…. last night I cried till 3am panicking…. I’m afraid to be alone, afraid my grandparents will die…. I could go on forever with my problems. And my mom stole 30,000 from my savings account the money I worked so hard to save so I could finished my education.

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One Response to “User Name*Carol’s Story”

  1. Adriana on May 6th, 2013 11:26 am

    I am so sorry to hear your story. Next month I am having TMS treatment for my depression. I have suffered from dysthimia with re current major depression for years. Almost 30 years. I have felt suicidal to the end of time, more lonely than lonely as this illness is brutal, merciless, unkind and takes away your life. You have no idea how it has impacted my lif. I only get very partial relief from anti depressants. I am totally estranged from my mother who was never able to give me any emotional support or kind words. She just criticised, criticised and did everything to make me worse. I describe depression as a light that is switched off inside you and you live in a grey or even in a black darkness, when in major depression I cannot make decisions, I have insomnia and anxiety. I am going to have TMS treatment next month so I will let you know how it goes. If that fails, as a last resort I will take lithium

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